I am a little late posting my New Year’s resolutions. I liked to give some grand excuse about not having time because I was busy helping homeless, disabled orphans, but the truth is I’m just lazy. I could be noble and a bit snotty by resolving to exercise more and lose some weight and work for world peace, but let’s face it that ain’t gonna happen. Even saying I’m not going to gain any more weight is more of a wish than a resolution. I really don’t consider it a resolution if you know you’re going to break it an hour and a half after you make it. If your resolution could be started with once upon a time, it’s a fairytale not a resolution. For it to be a true resolution there has to be at least the remotest possibility that you will succeed. That eliminates anything to do with weight loss, exercise, or working to bring any sort of sanity to the government. Instead I will try to make my goals more easily achievable so I won’t disappoint myself. Something like when they don’t keep score at little kids’ sporting events so that nobody feels bad because their team lost. (By the way every kid and parent at the game can tell you exactly what the score is at any given time.)
So here we go: My resolutions for the New Year.
1. I resolve to have my hair get grayer. I know this will be a struggle, but I think through hard work and determination I can pull it off. I had trouble getting my hair to turn gray when I was young, but as I’ve grown older I have mastered the technique. Truly with age comes wisdom. I have a brother who has gotten good at losing hair. I haven’t been able to perfect that yet. Maybe next year.
2. I resolve not to start smoking again. I smoked for about a year and a half when I was eighteen. Sure, that has been over forty years ago, and I no longer have the slightest desire to smoke again. But who knows when an overwhelming urge to put nicotine into my body may overpower me, and I’ll rip open a pack of Marlboros with all the fervor of some toothless crack addict trying to get a fix. I vow to resist it with every fiber of my being.
3. I resolve to get my novel, Graves of His Personal Liking published. I know, you’re all thinking, “Hey, I thought you already had a publisher for that great western saga that is filled with action, adventure, romance and will tug at your heart while still giving you a good laugh now and then. In fact, I thought you were about ready to start the editing process?” That is true, however; you never know what might happen, and I also thought this would be a good time to work in a little pre-publication publicity.
4. I resolve to get older. You might think this would be the easiest one to keep, but remember, my younger brother had a heart attack last year. And since watching my diet and more exercise are off the table, this could be by far the hardest one to accomplish. If there is one resolution I really, really want to keep, it is this one.
So there it is: my list of resolutions. I like to keep the list short so they will be easier to accomplish, and I’m tired of thinking about it. Maybe next year I will resolve to think more. Who am I kidding? I should have started that with once upon a time.