Kids aren’t eating their school lunches because they taste bad. School lunches have always tasted bad. If you put ketchup on Styrofoam it would taste better than the fish sticks they served us. But now lunches taste even worse. I figured that would be a scientific impossibility, like going faster than the speed of light or understanding the lyrics of any song Bob Dillon sings. The problem is our first lady, Michelle Obama, has decided kids nowadays are too fat. I was skeptical at first, but after doing extensive research for five minutes I have to agree. The average enlistee during World War II weighed one hundred forty-five pounds, and that was before boot camp. I know a fifth-grader who weighs that much–and she’s not even the biggest kid in her class.
To combat this obesity, the first lady has been campaigning to reduce calories in the school lunches. For those of you who don’t know, calories are particles that make food taste good. The more calories you have, the better food tastes. Recently Mrs. Obama has discovered that calories not only make food taste good, but they also make people fat, so she is trying to reduce the calories in school lunches to less than 850. Since corrugated cardboard has 920 calories, you figure out what’s left for taste.
Now I’m not one to disagree with the first lady, especially when I have to file income tax forms, but something is wrong. When I was a kid I ate everything that didn’t move, and sometimes things that did move, and nothing was healthy. A large bag of chips was the single-serving size. Doughnuts came by the dozen because that’s how they were supposed to be eaten. Mom never cooked healthy things. She put a stick of butter or margarine in everything she made: mashed potatoes, gravy, a glass of milk… If we ate salads they were either potato salads with potatoes, hard-boiled eggs, mayonnaise and a stick of butter, or fruit salads containing enough sugar to give honey bees diabetes. And nobody was ever fat. Oh sure we had some kids who were chubby or plump, but never anyone obese. In fact most of the people we called fat would be nicknamed Slim or Tiny today.
When I was young I was always hungry. I guess it’s because I was always doing something: running through the woods, running after a friend when we were playing tag, running away from my older, mean sister because I’d dropped a night crawler down her back .
Today’s kids don’t seem to run as much. Usually they are sitting in front of a computer or playing Xbox or talking on their smart phones… A thought just occurred to me. I’m surprised someone hasn’t thought of this before. Today’s kids are fat because: all these electronics GIVE OFF FAT RAYS!
I know what you’re thinking: This is a goofy idea, even for him. But stop and do some extensive research for a moment. Look at all the people with bulging beer bellies. What part of the body is the closest to the electronic devices? The stomach, right? It’s called a laptop because you set in on your lap when you’re on a plane or in a car, and when you play with your smart phone, it’s held down right in front of your belly. Those fat rays just keep swelling your stomach until it lops over the belt. And how many times have you known a woman to accidentally sit on her smart phone? “Whew,” she’ll say with relief. “I didn’t break it.” as if that is the worst thing that could happen–and we won’t even talk about the women who put their smart phones in their back pockets.
Okay, before a bunch of women start stuffing laptops in their bras, there are a few parts of my theory that need ironed out. If I can get a two or three million dollar government grant so I can go to Alaska for a couple months to do some extensive research and salmon fishing, I could probably come up with a solution, or at least a couple good-sized Chinook. Does anyone have the first lady’s phone number?