My wife and I usually take our dog for a walk at night. A few nights ago I checked the thermometer before I went out and it said seventeen degrees. I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she gave me THE LOOK, and I knew if I pushed it the neighbors would later say, “She seemed like such a nice person, and we didn’t even know she owned a machete.” So I took the dog by myself and spent the whole walk shivering. When I was young the cold didn’t bother me until it got down below zero. I could spend hours sitting out on a lake ice fishing in a snow storm and never had a problem with the cold. I’ve fallen through the ice in the middle of the winter, climbed out of the hole and walked a mile back to my truck and never had so much as a shiver. Now here it was, a mere seventeen degrees, and I’m shaking like Don Knotts in a horror movie
After thinking about it for awhile, I finally realized what the problem is. The government has been screwing with the thermometers! Remember a few years ago when they tried to convert the world to the metric system. They wanted us to start measuring stuff in meters, liters, millimeters and centipedes. Some of the wimpy countries buckled under and submitted—I’m not going to mention any names to avoid an international incident, but one of them rhymes with manada–but not We the people of America. We figured if God wanted us to measure things the metric way, he wouldn’t have given us two FEET and cows wouldn’t give milk in GALLON plastic jugs. Now the government is trying to force a thermometer change on us. They’ve adjusted all the thermometers to read twenty degrees higher than they normally would. When I went out in what I thought was a balmy seventeen degrees, it was actually THREE BELOW ZERO!
It’s all a devilish plot to conserve energy. People set their house thermostats for a comfortable seventy degrees, and it’s actually only fifty degrees. Only the really smart people have figured it out. Be prepared for them to reverse it back this summer in some kind of temperature-savings time.
Since winter has arrived I’ve noticed a few other things such as snow weighs more than it did when I was younger. The first house we had was on a corner lot with sidewalks on two sides. Add to that sidewalks to the front and back doors and a big driveway, and I had a lot of shoveling to do. We would get six inches of snow, and I would get up in the morning and shovel everything before I went to work. I hardly worked up a sweat. Now we have one puny driveway with no sidewalks, and I ache for a week after scooping a mere dusting off the driveway. The snow is heavier than it used to be.
Again I have figured out the problem: gravity has increased. I know you unscientific types who hadn’t figured out the thermometer thing before I told you, are sitting there doubting me. But the amount of gravity of an object depends on the mass of the object–that’s real science! The Earth keeps increasing in size. The topsoil continues to grow as animals and plants die and bears poop in the woods. I did some exact scientific calculations and discovered the Earth increases by a lot every year(I’m not sure if that’s feet, liters or centipedes.)
If you still doubt me, I’ll give you a personal example. When I was young I had broad shoulders and chest muscles that rippled. Now because of the increase in gravity, my shoulders have been pulled down until what used to be magnificent shoulders is now a blubbery pile around my waist. If I didn’t wear a belt, I’d be wearing a size seventy-five shoe by now. I offer one last irrefutable example of the increase in gravity. In high school I wrestled 155 pounds. Today, because of the increase in gravity, when I get on the scale it is nowhere close to 155 pounds. How else could that be explained? (Okay, my wife has an explanation, but it’s so silly and far-fetched I won’t embarrass her by even bringing it up.)
I’ve completed my fourth book. I’m not trying too hard to get a publisher right now as I’ve been told publishers like to take from Thanksgiving to New Year’s off. I’ll start sending it around after the first of the year. I’ve started my fifth and sixth books. I let my wife read the openings of both and she decided on the one I’m thinking about calling Job.
All books available at Amazon. Click picture for link.