FOR THE BIRDS

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We have a bird feeder in our backyard. When I first put it up, I hung it by a wire from a tree branch. The squirrels took turns walking down the wire like The Flying Wallendas, and would empty the feeder in less than an hour. Not to be outdone by an animal with a brain the size of a black olive, I mounted the feeder to the top of a small metal post. The squirrels shinnied up the post quicker than they’d gone down the wire and emptied the feeder. A few of them did fall off the feeder from laughing so hard at my feeble attempts to stop them. (My wife said the problem is, to outwit a squirrel you actually have to be smarter than a squirrel.)
I tried putting every slippery, slimy substance known to man on the post to stop them from climbing the post: petroleum jelly, baby oil, axle grease, STP, lawyers and politicians. All it did was keep their little paws from getting rough and chapped while they contemplated sueing me and went on taxpayer-paid fact-finding junkets to the Caribbean. Finally I drilled a hole in the bottom of a plastic flower pot, inverted it and ran the post through the hole then hung it so the pot was halfway up the post. It stopped them from climbing up the post, but one of them turned into Rocky the Flying Squirrel and jumped from a tree and landed on the top of the feeder.
I moved the feeder so it wasn’t close to any trees and that stopped them—although the flower pot now has rough edges from the squirrels climbing up the post and trying to chew through it. I’m thinking about marketing the flower pot idea. I’m getting offers from companies on a daily basis—most of them are for credit cards, but it’s only a matter of time until the word spreads about the flower pot idea.
Just like it is with most things, as soon as I solved one problem with the bird feeder, another one popped up. This time it was the birds; they kept eating the birdseed. Granted, that was actually one of the reasons I put the feeder up in the first place, but whoever said, beggars can’t be choosers, never met a blackbird. They would sit on the feeder picking through the seed, flipping the stuff they didn’t like out of the feeder like a skinny girl going through a box of chocolates.
Nope, nope, nope, nope. Ooh, chocolate cream. Nope, nope, nope.
In about two hours the feeder would be empty with the ground around the feeder littered with two inches of birdseed, and the squirrels on the ground giving the blackbirds a big thumbs up. Now I fill the feeder with sunflower seeds. The birds still flip some of them out, but I only have to fill it up every couple of days, and the squirrels still get something to eat.
There is a blond squirrel that keeps coming to the feeder. It’s a bully. It runs off the other squirrels when it comes to eat. The blond squirrel doesn’t live in our yard. I see it in the mornings coming over the roof of our neighbor’s house across the street. It’ll jump off their roof onto a tree, come down the tree, run across the street, climb up a tree in our yard, jump on our roof, run across it and jump onto another tree before it comes down under the feeder in our backyard and runs off the other squirrels. It’ll stay all day in our yard until right before sunset when it reverses the route and goes back home. You would think it would find a little three-bedroom ranch squirrel house closer to our house so it wouldn’t have to commute so far. Stupid squirrel.
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About thewritingdeputy

Joel Jurrens was a deputy sheriff for 26 years until he retired in 2013. He has published three novels: In The Sticks, Graves of His Personal Liking and County Ops: The Vengeance of Gable Fitzgerald. He tries to keep his blog light and humorous and sometimes downright silly.
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3 Responses to FOR THE BIRDS

  1. What a great laugh on this snowy morning!!

  2. I actually choked when I got to the “slimy politician” part. Nice post(:

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