MONKEY POOP COFFEE
My wife went to the doctor a few days ago and received some devastating news. She has to … GIVE UP COFFEE! She had some DNA tests done and they discovered her body can’t process caffeine. If she keeps drinking coffee, eventually her liver will start to shut down.
When we were first married, my wife didn’t drink coffee. She drank hot water with a slight brown tint as if a drop of actual coffee had accidentally fallen into it. Eventually my wife found out about flavored coffees and creamers. The flavored creamers mixed with what she had passing for coffee made chocolate milk. To get a coffee taste through the creamers and flavors, she had to drink stuff that actually classified as coffee.
So she decided to give up coffee. Now she drinks herbal tea which doesn’t have caffeine and tastes like one of the trees from The Wizard of Oz peed in her cup. Yum, yum. There is nothing better than that great taste of leaf and bark urine. Can seven million beavers be wrong? She could drink decaffeinated coffee, but what’s the point? Isn’t it sort of like a drug addict snorting baking soda because it looks like cocaine?
If it were me, I’m not sure I could survive. I would cry, curl into a fetal position, wet my pants and wait for the end. I like coffee, a lot of it and as strong as you can make it. Giving up coffee for me would be like Jack Benny’s older Robber Routine. Jack was known for being very cheap:

A robber pulls a gun on Jack in a dark alley.

Robber: Your money or your life.

After a few moments of silence.

Robber, angrily: Look Bud, I said your money or your life?

Jack, yelling: I’m thinking it over!

I’ve been drinking coffee for as long as I can remember. When I was little my mother told me coffee would stunt my growth, but I still drank it. I remember going into the woods with friends back in South Dakota and making cowboy coffee in an old tin can over and open fire. We moved to Iowa when I was ten, so I was drinking coffee before I was ten. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s why I keep getting invitations in the mail to join the Lollipop Guild.
I started drinking strong coffee when I was a teenager. I could feel the effects of the overload of caffeine. It is a stimulant like cocaine and methamphetamine after all. My heart would pound. My mind would race, and I couldn’t sit still. I was filled with an energy I had to release. I’d do stupid things. I remember racing down gravel roads, sliding around ninety degree corners at high speeds, spraying gravel and coming dangerously close to losing control and going down into a ditch and flipping over. I’m lucky I didn’t kill myself, and I’m sure I would have if I’d had a car.
The body develops a tolerance for caffeine just like any other drug, and I’m the hardcore junkie who needs a fix just to bring me to normal. I don’t feel its effects anymore. I fall asleep minutes after a lay down in bed, and sometimes before I make it there. My resting pulse rate is in the low fifties. They say too much caffeine causes headaches, stomach irritability and makes you jittery. That’s how I feel when I don’t get coffee. It can also cause incontinence, stomach ulcers and diarrhea. Which isn’t a problem for me, although I would like to catch the guy who keeps pooping in my shorts. There is some research that suggests coffee may also be hard on the gallbladder. I had mine removed a few years ago, and maybe drinking all the coffee I do had something to do with that. I’ve seen pictures of gallbladders. They are transparent little bags filled with a green goop. Who wants something like that in their body anyway? I think the coffee did me a favor.
There have been numerous research studies done on coffee, and the results very widely. Some say it has great benefits: prevents Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s and certain cancers. So depending who you talk to, coffee is either a miracle that will save world, or the devil incarnate that will end humanity as we know it …  Kind of reminds you of the recent presidential race, doesn’t it?
Wings epress, that has published two of my books and will publish The Almond People in the spring, has done a great job of updating their business and website. They are running a holiday promotion for a free book through Smashwords. It lasts through December. Click on the banner below and check it out.

About thewritingdeputy

Joel Jurrens was a deputy sheriff for 26 years until he retired in 2013. He has published three novels: In The Sticks, Graves of His Personal Liking and County Ops: The Vengeance of Gable Fitzgerald. He tries to keep his blog light and humorous and sometimes downright silly.
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